Why (and How) Sex is Important to Men
91I have a surprise for you, gentlemen: Your wife probably doesn't know how important sex is to you.
Now sure, she knows that it's important. She knows that you (very likely) want more of it than she does. She knows that you sometimes take an attitude when she is less than forthcoming. She also knows that she can use sex as a weapon, denying what she feels is a physical desire of yours.
But she probably doesn't know that it is an emotional need.
Most of my marriage articles here on hubpages are for men. Why? Because I run a forum for women about the subject of marriage. I prefer not to cross-post content and Google likes it that way, too. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
In this case, however, I understand that this topic is so crucial to men that I wanted to give this article the most exposure possible. Guys, women just don't understand!
Now I know, I know... Women are so mysterious. There are so many things about us that you just don't "get" that it might be shocking to you that women don't understand you much better than you understand them! But it is very, very true that each gender sees the world very differently, and if we're going to be able to truly communicate, we're going to need to "get on the same page."
It isn't Physical, Ladies!
Sure, men like sex. Most men I know love sex, even. It is a physical pleasure that is incomparable, really. But the physical element of sex is a desire, not a need to be met. Men can live their entire lives without the physical pleasure of sex.
What is more important to your husband or significant other is the emotional need that sex meets.
I understand you, ladies! You don't necessarily think that men are emotional creatures! They don't (usually) cry like we do, and they don't talk it out. They don't discuss their emotions and they don't bawl into a tub of ice cream like us. But that doesn't mean that they are not equally emotional creatures.
Like women, men want affection from their mate. Affection is equally important to members of both genders. But your husband or significant other might not be a cuddler. If he doesn't seem interested in snuggling up on the sofa to watch tearjerker films with you, it is because his need for affection simply isn't met in the same way that yours is: His need for affection is met through... You guessed it! Sex.
What He Hears when You Say You Have a Headache
"I have a headache" has become a common joke. Women are exhausted at the end of a day of taking care of household chores and children and don't feel that they can fit sex into their night. They might be angry with something that their significant other did during the day (or week, or month) and feel that denying him sex is appropriate revenge for his insensitivity to their needs. Or they might genuinely have a headache.
But when you tell your husband that you don't want to have sex... Or if you make up an excuse not to have sex with him, he hears your rejection, and he might become resentful. He hears you say that you don't want him, that he isn't good enough, not big enough, not fit enough.
Men are insecure creatures.
It's not a Weapon, Girls!
Sex is a genuine, emotional need for your husband or significant other. Please, please do not use this gift as a way to manipulate him or to punish him for some perceived flaw. The key is to forgive him and to give him the respect that he needs as a man. Claiming to have a headache or to be too exhausted to meet his needs is humiliating to him and makes him feel like less of a man. It undermines his self-esteem and can make him feel incredibly unappreciated. Appreciation is very important to a man!
Your husband probably feels that sex is invigorating and energizing. After a long day at work, he probably wants to relax with you: and this is his way of relaxing.
I know, I know. The modern woman is asking herself (and me) "what does it do for me?" I get you, and I get your point. We tend to be a very self-motivated society. Let's address that issue!
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What does "Giving in" Get Me, the Woman?
First things first, you shouldn't be thinking about sex as "giving in" to his desires. When you married your husband, you promised to love him until death. We are meant to sacrifice for our spouse and for our children. Sometimes sex might be a sacrifice. Some nights you might just feel too tired to engage in sexual activity. And it's okay to say no. Once in a very great while.
But meeting your husband's emotional need for sex can reap great rewards for you, as well! When you give of yourself to your man, you open a part of him that you might not have seen previously. You help him to feel refreshed and appreciated. You make him feel desired and desirable. You fulfill him in a way that we as women cannot begin to imagine.
Things start to happen. He becomes more apt to ask you how your day has been, or to offer to cook dinner. He becomes more inclined to romance you a bit more (in your way, rather than his, which is unsurprisingly probably sexual). You might stop having to ask four or five times for him to take out the trash (he might do it on the first request now!).
Great things happen when you begin to meet your husband's needs. Bearing in mind that your husband has an emotional need for sex, this area of your relationship should not be neglected!
Women, do you withhold sex from your man? Men, does your woman withhold sex from you?
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Hi girls! I want to share something with you that can improve your relationship. Something I noticed that a lot of girls are getting wrong (in my opinion), and it's preventing them from having the relationship that they want: A loving, caring and bal
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Thank you both!
I honestly don't think that most women "get" it and it's really unfortunate. I have been studying (and studying, and studying) marriage, both from the male and the female perspective, and it's amazing to me how many ways we get it wrong with one another. Women, in particular, make very bad faulty assumptions and then blame the poor outcome on their flummoxed husband!
Will meeting a husband's needs open his wallet to me? Hmmmm, I wonder lol
Well, it works for me!
Actually, in all seriousness, I do agree with you, and think it's really wrong when women withold sex like a mother witholds candy from a toddler when they've been naughty
I had a "friend" once tell me that I needed to withold sex from my husband because if I didn't then I allowed him to walk all over me. She extolled the virtues of manipulating one's husband into doing what you want him to do, and how women should always have men under their thumbs.
It would never have worked for me because I consider myself a submissive wife, the heart of my home while he is the head of the household. I would never want to hurt him that way because it would have felt as though I was cutting off my right arm to cut him off from something that is so important to him!
Some women can be very manipulative, and then they wonder why their husbands cheat?
Yes! Exactly! More often than not, men cheat because they don't feel respected by their wives, so they go where they feel good!
Whoa! I love this hub!... this does not only help married couples undertand each other better but it can also be a salvation for their marriage. I'm instantly your fan! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you DjBryle. I'm glad that you liked the article and I sincerely hope that it helps some people. When I first unlocked this information I was stunned that the topic isn't discussed more often in marriage books and articles!
Yes,
You write on right topic. What is the important of sex for men. But this must be on some mutual understanding of both the partners then it is enjoyable. I am agry on this point 'But meeting your husband's emotional need for sex can reap great rewards' . Women should think .
Nice information.
Thank you for this hub. I love my wife very much, but she has a actual chemical imbalance that 'allows" her to be mean and unsexual. I love her and we have 3 beautiful children, but my needs cry out for an acknowlgement that even though I'm the "strong" one, I just might not make it.
even with all this said, I still don't "get it" but I have never argued it. Much like you, I am very submissive - but can't that hurt sometimes too? Do men ever feel like it's too easy? I don't know, wonder it myself sometimes though...
I like the article very much. Every woman must read it.
Kmadhav,
I can't speak for all women, but I have personally been "informed" that I should manipulate my husband in order to get what I want. Women often aren't taught that meeting their husband's needs will meet their own needs in the long run. Men aren't stupid and they aren't brutes. You guys *want* to do for us. The problem arises when we react to the way that we treat one another. Please see my hub "Showing Your Man Some Love" for more information!
tltconsulting,
I'm sorry that you're experiencing that. It sounds like your wife might have borderline personality disorder (or something similar). I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for you.
I take the standpoint that we, as women, expect our husbands to love us unconditionally. We don't feel that we should have to earn your love. So why should you gentlemen have to earn our respect and the right to have us meet your needs?
Please keep hope in your situation. I understand how you feel (I'm not getting any at the moment) in as much as possible (being female), and I hope for the best in your situation!
belief713, I am currently working on a series of articles for women about improving their marriages. The deeper I get into it the longer I realize it's going to be. I might be contacting the staff for guidance on how to accomplish everything I'm trying to do with the series. It might interest you, especially given some of our recent discussions :)
I was looking for a topic to write about today (since I try to publish a hub a day to keep myself going) and you just gave it to me. I will link it from this hub when I'm done, but please watch my profile for it. An article about my personal experience with sex and emotions.
Taram, I appreciate your comments and am inclined to agree with you. Initially I had planned on not writing a great many hubs for women but using my "women's" hubs to promote my own site. I have changed my mind and as I said above, plan on writing an entire series for women on how to improve and save their marriages!
If badcompany99 looked like Johnny Depp, he wouldn't have to be asking any women to marry him :-) Just an observation....
Excellent hub! I agree--Men do need that "connection" with their partners--marriages need that to keep them strong and vital, otherwise they grow as stale as a two-week old gallon of milk left in the refrigerator--smelly, sour and nasty!
LOL Dink96, good analogy there! Yuck!
Good hub this! I really want more women to read this. It wouldn't change anything or the way they might feel but we can surely hope that it does.
flamingoes, discovering this information really opened my eyes. It didn't change my behavior because I have a very high drive, but it changed the way that I perceived men in general. My husband argues that sex isn't important to him (I believe him) but generally speaking I know this information is true and valuable. I wish more women came armed with it!
To *any* men who are reading this! *Seriously* consider purchasing "For Women Only" for your wives! I have it above for you to purchase from Amazon. This book is amazing and very readable! Not in the least bit offensive to women, particularly if you also purchase "For Men Only" and read it. In the end, I really believe most women will thank their husbands for this!
EM,
I'm already a fan so I'll get notice of it when you publish it (your new hub). I've been studying different things about marriage and relationships myself also. I've been wanting to do Hubs on them for a while now but can't find the time to complete them. I think I'm working on too many things at once right now and need to find a system to better manage it all. Maybe we can collaborate and swap ideas so as not to step on each other toes. Let me know in an email - then we can interlink Hubs and help each other out!
great article you know I did make my husband feel at times that I didn't want him. but after reading your article he will get plenty of hot lovin tonight you go girl
When a mans sexual desire wains in the older years, (50's) The average female is disarmed and the man is free! He is no longer a "slave" to his desire and cannot be controlled or manipulated by sex!
It isn't just older men, uncle motard -- young men who have a lower sex drive are the same. Regardless, I believe that this is something that far too few women understand!
very good hub and i will keep this in mind when i get married...thanks :)
I have a whole series in the works on marriage, ratcliffe07! I just need to finish the current Wordpress project first and then I should start publishing some more hubs on the subject.
I really do highly recommend reading "For Women Only" and "For Men Only." The latter let me know that I wasn't alone as a woman and the former helped me to understand men just that much better!
Very nice hub about a crucial marriage topic. It's a biggie for husbands and wives. Good advice!
Your articles are excellent.Best wishes...
Hi you surprise me admitting to being submissive, most woman do not like that word any more
Great hub. This is an interesting point of view from a woman! Keep up the good work.
I am new to Hubpages, but reading this hub makes me want to stay. The only thing I would add is that marriage is an evolving thing, and what may be so about one period of the evolution may not be for the next. Marriage partners who can flow with the changes in their lives and relationship survive the hard times.
great piece BUT,i need HELP.what about when the tables are turned?my women won't even give me a chance to recover!excusses don't work and fighting just makes her want to even more!ive taken to hiding in the bathroom while she hunts me in her garfield T shirt saying things like"want some candy little boy?".shes killing me!...what a great way to die lol...peace..
Great article on the importance of men's sexual needs. However, you say that men do not need sex and are compassionate then you tell women that men needs sex and that a lack of may not make them happy. You are putting an emotional side to men that is not as prevalent as women. Some women has withheld sex not as a weapon but because maybe the love is not there to accompany the sex that a lot of them need. I think the article was a little over the top being a little too sensitive to men who can have sex with a woman and leave her wanting and then sets off to another conquest without a second thought. I think that men are more mechanical than women and does the sexual act for physical pleasure wherein a woman is there not only for the sex but for the love as well (more so than men).
GREAT CONVERSATION --- I am 75 and married to a COLD FISH ( got married when you WAITED to have sex ) but you get busy raising 4 kids --- and finnaly one day they are out of the nest --- and THEN --- you have to face the UNRESOLVED BAGAGE you both brought to the relationship ( if you want the relationship to last ) --- and so --- for the past 20 years I have had to deal with a woman who had a very unhappy childhood and made some bad decisions during those very early years about life --- and never really learned HOW TO LOVE --- and has a TON OF UNRESOLVED ANGER --- and of course uses sex as a weapon -- etc --- but this has turned into a marvelous learning experience for both of us --- and she has learned how important regular sex is for a mans SENSE OF WELL - BEING and ONGOING ABILITY TO " THINK YOUNG " ---- ( she occasionaly marvels at my ENTHUSIASIM as I " fill her with my hot love " ----- and for my part ---- I have learned not to let her get me ANGRY at her " game - playing " --- but to FORGIVE HER 70 x 70 ---- and to also do what can be extremely dificult FOR US MALES --- TO engage in SMALL TALK WITH HER --- something she REALLY APPRECIATES --- and for you NUMBER CRUNCHERS OUT THERE --- we have a HOT DATE about once a week ---- (are there any realistic numbers for what is AVERAGE AT AGE 75 ? ) and one more thing ---- that really TICKS ME OFF --- the almost complete lack of focus on the last half of the MARIAGE CONTRACT ( MEN --- LOVE YOUR WIVES AS YOU DO YOUR OWN BODY ) --- and total focus on the first half ( WIVES --- SUBMIT TO YOUR HUSBANDS NEEDS --- ETC ) --- you have to be a healthy mature male to fully understand the signicance of that business about loving your wife as you do your own body --- etc --- there is indeed a whole bunch of PRIDE INVOLVED IN BEING A HEALTHY MALE --- and believe it or not gals --- that pride needs LOVE --- UNDERSTANDING --- and ENCOURAGEMENT --- and you are exactly right when you say you are suprized when your male turns around and does SPECIAL THINGS FOR YOU ---- because you understood and met his very simple needs --- something as simple as EMBRACING HIM WITH YOUR SOFT WARM THIGHS FOR A FEW LOVING and CARING MOMENTS --- and as JOHN DENVER used to sing --- LETTING HIM " DIE IN YOUR ARMS " ONE MORE TIME
nice hub
It is suppose to be a mutual agreement. Not one sided.
@Steve Rensch: I appreciate your comments and your sentiments. I agree with you that marriage evolves, and additionally, each person is an individual and I should remember in the future to encourage my readers to make an effort to understand their parter *as* an individual.
Marriage will ebb and flow but my hope is that by arming readers and fans with increased knowledge that their marriages *last*, regardless of the ebbing of the tide.
@cheaptrick: I have NO idea what to say to you because I'm on the other side of that problem! I have a very, very high drive and high sexual need and my husband can't keep up with me! I wish I had some answers for you! When I find some, I'll pass them on ;)
@lindagoffigan: I just read the article again in case I had mis-spoken or made an error in typing. Sometimes I type a lot faster than I think and forget to read the hub before I hit "publish." I remain confused.
Yours is the first truly critical comment that I've had on this hub. Not that I mind -- I'm all about constructive criticism. That being said, I just don't understand the passage to which you are referring. I said that sex isn't a *physical* need (and that men can go without sex throughout their lifetimes) but that it is an *emotional* need. I feel that the feedback I have gotten from the men here confirms the feedback that I have gotten from men in "my world." Sex is emotional for them.
Ask any man if I've gone over the top in this hub and you'll probably get a pretty strong response. I want to arm readers (women and men) with the ability to choose happiness in their lives (for one another and for themselves). I have discovered through personal trial and error that making my husband miserable does not make me happy. I can't speak for others, but I prefer to think that most people are essentially kind and that therefore the logic works.
As far as withholding sex because the love isn't there, I guess I didn't do a good enough job of covering that in my hub on the subject of men loving their wives and will have to go back and edit it.
Men are equally emotional to women -- they are simply less *relational* than women. Seriously, check out "For Women Only" above. That book (and its companion) saved my marriage.
@Ken: I did an article about men loving their wives, too. I think it's linked above? I place special emphasis on "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and laid His life down for her" (that's from memory so if it's not perfect I apologize). That by itself gives men some serious clues as to *how* to love their wives since we often don't open up the way that we should and communicate effectively.
@sree: Thank you.
@tega20002k3: You're right, it should be. When I use the words "give in" I don't mean them in the way that is most easily interpreted in this instance. Just as much as men shouldn't be overly demanding in this regard (and most *aren't* "overly demanding in this regard!) so should a woman not deny her husband.
@Everybody: You married your spouse for a reason, and I hope that reason was love. If the love is fading and you want to restore it, it's going to take a lot of work. Sometimes that work requires self-sacrifice on the part of one person or the other. It is rare that your spouse is going to start out "working with you" to restore the marriage. Your actions will begin the process and hopefully theirs will follow.
and I thought sex was consensual :) lol
It is. I didn't say anything about taking sex forcibly!
Of course I make the assumption that if you marry someone, you are marrying them and intending to meet their needs. If you love someone and are attracted to them, I'm not sure why there would be a consent problem.
NO, men should never take sex by force from their wives! Unless their wives consent to that lol
If I ever remarry - I will include a sex clause in the vows. lol
Thanks for sharing.
LOL!
I tend to think it's already there, just veiled :) Regardless, it's biblical, as you know :)
good
i love my girl friend so much
You are very smart. Great hub
I think this hub makes a lot of generalizations and gender stereotypes that aren't necessarily true. Some women enjoy sex just as much as (if not more) than men. Also, some men are very emotional and some women, well...not so much. This might be a reflection of some marriages, but to say that sex is something women "give in" to? If we have to "give in", the is either bad or we aren't that into the person...and then we shouldn't with them. It seems like you are saying that women do not have sex drives. And this is very, very untrue.
Just realized I wasn't signed in...but that's me above
colorsuz, if that's the impression I gave, I'm very sorry. My drive is significantly higher than my husband's! What I have discovered, however, through years of interaction with women (many of whom are divorced multiple times) is that women sometimes encourage their (female) friends to withhold sex in order to manipulate or punish their men.
Keep in mind as well that this is Hubpages. If one does not make generalizations at all, then the subject could fill a book (or a series of hubs, which I'm working on as soon as I'm done working through editing current hubs and the Wordpress series).
I have tried explaining the emotional importance of sex for me to my wife for years. She doesn't get it or doesn't care. Her married girlfriends are the same way. I know because their husbands are my friends and we talk. News flash ladies, contrary to popular belief, we married men do talk about our lack of sex just like you tell your married girlfriends how much a chore it is. So the next time one of the husbands is giving you a strange look, you'll know why! It's strange because my wife and I are both Christian and so are her friends. Wake up ladies, read your bible! I do think it says to meet each others needs. I do think this attitude is part of the feminist movement gone wrong. I can tell my wife has always struggled between her religious side and feministic side. She won't admit it though.
After 10 years of neglect and worhless counseling, because of my wife's hard headedness and disbelief, I am leaving. I have my apartment in the works. She still doesn't understand. Maybe she will when my wheels are spinning out of the driveway!
Oh and one of my friends is planning to leave his wife soon for the same reason. His wife doesn't even know yet and I haven't told my wife. Keeping the secret between the sex-starved husbands!
And please don't post and say it's because the husbands don't help around the house or are terrible in bed. The majority of the time thats total BS!
Sex Starved No More, you are so absolutely right! If there is anybody that I am not reaching because they think that I am over the top, lying, or am being uneven in my assessment of this problem, they need to read your comment and read it again and again until they understand.
I am one of those women who has a higher drive than my husband. He's a lucky man! But the truth is that women like me are very rare. Sex shouldn't be a chore, it should be something that is mutually fulfilling for both husband and wife. I feel that for those women for whom sex is a chore, if they understood JUST HOW IMPORTANT IT IS they would take a completely different attitude towards it.
Men are much more emotional in many ways than women think, and I will be writing more on this subject. Just because men are less relational and far less likely to burst into tears over... anything... doesn't mean that they aren't emotional or that they don't have emotional needs.
Truly, any anger here being directed towards me is misplaced, and I'm not overly sensitive to it because I understand what it is to toss anger at an outside party when you're really frustrated with your own life, reactions, etc.
Great comments, Sex Starved No More! I really wish your wife could have understood it sooner! I don't approve of divorce, but I also believe that withholding sex is the equivalent of committing adultery in a Christian Marriage!
Thanks Everyday Miracles,
I must apologize to you and other woman who do take care of their husband's needs. I wasn't trying to say that all women are neglectful in this regard. But, it does appear to be very common.
Just to give an example of how important this need is to me, I am also leaving my two kids whom I love more than life itself! No, it is not being selfish. It is finally realizing that she will never change and I deserve to be happy. I should have the opportunity to find someone that values sex as much as I.
BTW, I have been totally faithful to my wife since the day I met her. Thought I would add that in case someone might think I was leaving for another woman or had been unfaithful.
You probably won't find a woman who feels the same way about sex that you do, but that doesn't mean that you won't find a woman who will meet your needs. I know that for me, personally, sex is more about the physical pleasure of the act itself. It is emotional, but in a very different way than it is emotional for a man. Sex is a bonding experience but I don't feel accepted or rejected based on whether or not my husband wants to have sex with me (if that were the case, I'd be in trouble!).
I wish you the best of luck, and I'm very sorry that this has happened to you!
Sex is the food of marriage...good love is fat love! Great hub! Thanks! :)
Yes, I did experience for years the "going nowhere cycle". She repeatedly denied/withheld sex. As a result the affection and caring she needed from me began to wane. Therefore, we both distanced away more from each other eventually creating the perpetual stalemate. I am not saying that the cycle isn't also started by husbands as well. I know that some husbands start by not giving the affection which causes the wife to withdraw the sex.
Interesting thing though is when I gave up and stopped initiating or being even remotely interested, she started pursuing me after a couple of weeks. Almost like a defense mechanism or something in her head kicked in. But I had already completely given up and now I refused her advances. I guess some women who think men are just sex hounds wouldn't understand a man turning down sex. And it is not usually beacuse we are fooling around or turned gay. They do not realize they we too are greatly affected emotionally by the relationship. We do experience hurt and pain as well!
I believe that any one person can save the marriage, given time and effort. Have you seen "Fireproof?" It tends to work something like that. I'm lucky because neither of us gave up on our marriage. We're still going strong due to effort on both sides.
I will (eventually) be doing some more strongly-worded articles for men, though I'm not sure where I'm going to publish them yet. I have one, but it was light reading, I feel. There is so much that each gender just doesn't understand about the other, and it's too much to sum up in one or two hubs. I'm working on the series for women right now, but that doesn't help the *guys* as much as they think it does!
Hey EM, nice hub. I wrote one on this subject as well some time ago, we seem to agree on most points here :)
It often strikes me as strange how many women think they should use sex as a weapon.. Effectively turning the relationship into a battleground.
I've read it, Essy :) I didn't wind up commenting because I'm the flip side -- the woman who doesn't get enough. It's easier to write about our role as women than to deal with my own lack of a sex life right at the moment.
I'm sorry you aren't getting any traffic. I'm quite surprised!
I love to keep my man happy, and when I realized how important sex was to him, it went to the top of the list -- assuming I'm not trying to get supper on the table! Now I am working on other aspects that he really appreciates.
This is incredibly insightful. Not many people have ever put into words the things that actually are going on in a man's head. Often, it is just that we are "crazy sex fiends" or some other form of this. Truly, it is an emotional need. Thank you for your insight.
You're right, I don't understand it. (I'm a woman despite my appearance here) BUT, I don't have to understand it to accept that it's true. I would go further though and say that the intimacy of sex is also good for the relationship in general. It is among a handful of things that should be off limits to bargaining and so forth. NOW, which of my needs should consistently be met is my only remaining question. It's not all about me, but I do think I deserve equal consideration.
It never ceases to amaze me about the double standard. A lot of wives leave their husbands and/or cheat because their husbands did not meet their primary need for affection and caring. But it is considered appropriate for most wives not to have to meet their husband's primary need for sex and stay faithful? If a wife leaves or cheats because the husband is not affectionate, her girlfriends will say he is a jerk. If the husband leaves or cheats because he doesn't get any sex, the wife's girlfriends will still say he is a jerk.
Never makes any sense to me. Can any wives here explain the phenomenon of "you will meet my needs but I won't meet yours"?
@Ivorwen: About "getting supper on the table" -- that is one of the "double standard" things that I'm surprised I'm not getting more flack for here. It is noteworthy that men do need to be considerate of when they ask for sex. There are definitely times it's best to pre-heat the oven ;)
@tdarby: I didn't understand it myself until I really started to look at this in-depth. Many women believe that men aren't emotional creatures, when in fact we all are as *humans*. Having a penis doesn't stop you from being human and I think that more women need to understand that.
Thank you for your comments.
@mulberry1: See my hub "The Importance of Loving Your Wife" (or something like that, darnit, I'm not looking at it). Not my greatest piece of literature but it's on the editing list, too. I will in the future be going into greater detail on this issue, particularly discussing the issue of not cutting your wife off from communication and relational intimacy.
You are definitely right about the importance of intimacy in a relationship!
@jdaddy: I think that in general we don't always properly understand the needs of the opposite sex. The door swings both ways. Men are very open about the fact that we often baffle them, but women on the other hand tend to hold tightly to the misconceptions that are handed down from one generation to the next.
It's call The Crazy Cycle. Check out Love and Respect (I have it available for purchase above). The book talks a lot about this cycle. I didn't like the book particularly because I felt that it rehashed information I already had about respecting my husband and didn't emphasize enough to men *how* to show love to their wives, but it's an eye opener if it's the first book you pick up on the sujbect. Note that it is a Christian book.
why is it that some partners are unforgetable and others fade?cant be compatability cause the best i've ever had was with a lady that hated me but we could'nt stay away from each other.i know,i know,theres some heavy psycology hear.but it goes beyond that.it seems we come together with some people as though we had an unfinished "thing" between us.maybe it's just hormones and other critters in our bodys.let me ask you,do you believe the heart and genitals are connected?
I fell a little bit in love with the each man in my early days before I finally met my husband. So I would say that for me that is true, at least. Can't speak for others though!
Excellent hub! I won't show it to my wife though. She would swear it's a fake and actually written by a man to get more sex! She pooh poohs anything written about sex I have showed her in our almost 12 year marriage. We had a male counselor about 6 years ago we were seeing. She wasn't buying anything he had to say. He suggested we read the Five Love Languages. I read it, she didn't.
It is interesting about the idea of upbringing and parental teaching. I do think this is a big factor. We are both Christians but I think my wife was brought up in a stricter more prudish atmosphere. Not much taught or said about sex, except maybe her mother told her it was a chore meant for men's enjoyment.
Anyway I've managed to weather the years and stay faithful without the sexual relationship I needed and wanted. I still give her the affection and things she needs as I do enjoy that too. I understood the excuses when the kids were babies/toddlers. Tiredness, hormones, and postpartum stress made sense then. But still using excuses when they are 7 & 10? I can't lie and say that my wonderful kids aren't a big factor in me not leaving. I don't think I can make the long though.
I think the quality of sex is more important than the quantity. Understanding each other on the condition and keep in touch and building the communication are the keys. Your hub so excellent and both sides (men or women) must read this for their sex life.
@jdaddy: The attitude you're describing is very Victorian. I feel for you, I really do. We are a bit "alternative" in terms of our sexuality and I think that through that we overcame a lot of inhibitions. I prefer to be less inhibited for *both* our benefits. It pleases him *and* it pleases me.
One thing that I didn't mention in the above hub is the fact that some women don't get anything out of sex. It isn't because their men aren't good, but some women are simply *that* inhibited due to upbringing and lessons taught to them in adulthood by their girlfriends. A woman who can't have an orgasm might have a physical or mental problem that she isn't aware of that needs to be dealt with.
Additionally, it bears mentioning that gentlemen, you DO need to pre-heat the oven! Women often aren't as sexually spontaneous as their men are. I know for me, I'm a planner. I plan everything. Including sex. AND I enjoy it!
@abinavis: For me, I like quality and quantity in good combination! But if I had to choose one, it would be quality. My husband is very good about meeting my needs, so I'm very lucky :)
I guess my wife is one of those women thats just hard to figure out. I do pre-heat the oven as I enjoy long foreplay myself. Oops, is a man supposed to admit he likes that? LOL I always make sure she gets her "O" first, which only happens with oral. Something I am very pleased to do. (: I actually like to cuddle, with or without sex involved, and fall asleep better and content that way.
I always thought that she just married me because I was a good man who wanted children, professional hard working, and had faith. I thought that she was just never physically attracted to me. However, for years she has vehemently denied it. She says she is extremely attracted to me sexually and otherwise. So, I just never really understood it all. She is very inhibited though. I have always suggested new things that others would probably consider quite vanilla, such as different positions and a toy that just collects dust in her drawer. But I never wanted to feel guilty trying to push her past her boundaries.
jdaddy, I wish there was something I could do to help you. If she doesn't realize that she has a problem and isn't willing to talk to a professional then there's a good chance that she's going to wind up staying the same if what you say is true. Inhibition is *so* unfair to everyone involved. I'm very sorry that you're experiencing this with your wife.
I really believe that we as women have a responsibility to support one another with *truth* rather than the common lies that get propogated so easily!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on a very important subject.
Love and peace
Tony
Thanks EM!
There is one thing that hurts deep which is the fact that my wife has mentioned certain sexual acts that she did with guys before me that she has never done with me. Yet she tells me that I am the person she trusts more than anyone. Perhaps those are memories of things she wants to cherish with that particular person. However, I do now believe that some past sexual experiences with previous partners are better left unrevealed. Perhaps it is true that some women will do certain acts just to "catch" a man. Once she knows she has him, those acts become unneccessary. My wife probably knew she didn't have to do anything special for me. She totally had my heart when we first met!
Ladies, please take care of a good man. My last two cents worth. Best wishes to all!
Thanks, Tony!
@jdaddy: Most women don't think that way. Women, in general, feel as though we are constantly having to re-earn your affections. We obsess: are we beautiful enough, smart enough, clever enough, good enough? We need that constant affirmation the same way that you guys do, but for different *reasons*.
Tastes change though. I know that mine have. Things that I liked when I was twenty are no longer nearly so appealing as I settle into my relationship and mature.
Have you asked her (outright) why she is denying you what she was willing to give men before you?
Interesting hub. I can't say that I agree with everything in it, but it was thought-provoking, which in my eyes makes it a good hub. Well done!
Thanks MotherHubber!
Some good advice. You make some interesting points, and taken overall it's terrific advice to work from. Thanks.
Great work EM, thumbs up!
Its true, although I respect men more if they see it (sex) as a two way deal ,meaning ok 'giving' myself to you includes you 'giving' yourself to me ,in ways that meet my emotional needs.( yes that means watching that chick flick and getting it) or showing affection in public.
Actually brings to mind this little phrase.
'If you want fine music at night ,ya gotta fine tune those strings during the day'
@WhiskeyChick: Thanks! I still highly recomment "For Women Only" because it builds on anything that I can say here and is very scientific in its approach!
@Eaglekiwi: It is a two way street, you're right. When I wrote this hub I wasn't thinking in terms of the fact that some men don't preheat the oven (etc). The truth is that I have been very lucky (in every case) with the men I've been with in regard to that, so I tend to forget. My husband is very sensitive in that way. We've got a good thing going on when we are (having sex).
I love the quote!
I loved your hub. I totally agree with the major point. More women should read this. Two thumbs up! I read it earlier, but kept thinking about it, (thought provoking hub). One thing though, where as my wife is usually williing to "sacrifice" if I want sex, that to me is no better than masturbation. Actually I would prefer masterbation to "Using" her body. It is wonderful to know that she is willing to do this, but what is needed for me is for her to "need it". Then, it is fufilling. As frustrating as this gets, this is what I will wait for.
Yes, Paper Moon! Inconveniently I forgot about that. It isn't going to be emotionally fulfilling if she doesn't want it, too. Rejection is still rejection if she "gives in." I will edit that portion of the article later, accordingly. Thanks!
It is a wonderful hub and if you covered all of the "what ifs" it would be quite the book. You did a great job and I agree that women everywhere should read it.
P.S. if you ever finish the book, I would buy one ;)
hahaha.....good stuff here...sometimes make me feell oh.....
What you say is further cemented by all these comments by men here :).. i agree with you that men have certain needs but I think they should consider, at times that their woman probably had a hectic & tiring day & give her a relaxing body massage instead ;)
@Paper Moon: Thanks! There is so much to cover in terms of topics like this, in particular if one is going to be even-handed to women and men!
@gr8archer45: When I eventually get around to editing this hub (best hub and top earner -- editing the poorer hubs means it might be a while before I get here!) I am going to include something about that or write an entirely fresh hub on that subject. You're right! Thanks!
You have many good points, and I certainly know some wives who could benefit from reading this! I wish I had this problem though; I'm always the one who's upset at the maximum of once a week from a rather "frigid" husband. I can't even make a sexual joke without him being appalled. And the weirdest thing is that his parents aren't even remotely prudish, they laugh at the same jokes. You've started some good ruminations, maybe I'll have something to write about! I look forward to reading more of your Hubs.
@CennyWenny: If you find the solution to that problem, please let me know! I am in the same boat! I would write on the subject but I'm still completely baffled!
like every Hub you wrote on marriage and relationships are great and Helpful for me because I am single and use these information in my personal life.
wow very nice hub i
Thanks for sharing all this information.
Good info. A lesson for all. Please note also that in some cases, women demand sex than their husbands.
Yes, Philipo, that would be me lol
Wonderful posting. You are very correct about the sex concept of Men and women. I like to share one thing too. Sex will increase the life time of both.
Regards,
Sumit.
interesting hub
Great hub, WOW to all the comments, lol!
To Linda WAY back there...the hub is about married couples, not single people. The man doesn't "move on to a new conquest" when the wife "puts out".
EM: I totally agree that women don't come close to understanding this. My wife is a pretty smart woman, and we've been married awhile now, but she still doesn't get (and we talk about it a lot), when she says "I don't want to have sex.", I internalize it as "She doesn't want ME." I can't change that, it is an emotional need. Like for most women, having a husband bringing home a paycheck, and taking care of the "living needs", is an emotional need. "If he takes care of me and my kids, he loves me.".
Thanks for the hub, I'll be having to catch up on the rest of yours...lol
great hub!!! I like it!
I think you are right :)
Sex is a stress buster exercise for men. They desire for it because it helps them in forgetting all tension and take them to another world.
Nicely said, karmadir!
Hey Everyday Miracles,
Great Hub! Very insightful!- Nice to see that you understand men so well- Wishing You Health Wealth and Happiness!
Lindagoffigan posted:
lindagoffigan says:2 months ago
Great article on the importance of men's sexual needs. However, you say that men do not need sex and are compassionate then you tell women that men needs sex and that a lack of may not make them happy. You are putting an emotional side to men that is not as prevalent as women. Some women has withheld sex not as a weapon but because maybe the love is not there to accompany the sex that a lot of them need. I think the article was a little over the top being a little too sensitive to men who can have sex with a woman and leave her wanting and then sets off to another conquest without a second thought. I think that men are more mechanical than women and does the sexual act for physical pleasure wherein a woman is there not only for the sex but for the love as well (more so than men).And I would just like to say how far off base that really is. Frankly, I loved this article and as a man, I practically shouted with relief that finally... someone FINALLY got it... men can say it till they're blue in the face... and most women... react like Linda. It seems hard for them to believe that men are every bit as emotional as women. Thing is... men are encouraged not to show it. Witholding sex because the love isn't there... seems wrong... have you considered that he may be witholding the love because the intimacy isn't there? Both sides come out swinging and get nothing for it. If there's no love... then why is this even a debate? Why not peruse the singles adds. We are every bit as emotional as women. We just have had to hide it. Emotional men are belitled by their peers the same way women used to be (and still are to some degree) about promiscuity.
Great Blog! You brought up some excellent points about the emotional reasons men need sex. It's also for their health and longevity, and for women as well. When women more fully embrace their own sexuality, the idea of it being all about the man begins to fall away. That's when true intimacy starts and that intimacy has nothing to do with using sex as a bartering chip - one way or the other.
This absolutely disgusted me.
sex is not so important, but both couple should make a time table to do sex
So true, I wish my wife reads this hub. And how can tiredness stop sex.... sex is the cure for tiredness.
I can not agree with you more! Excellent! Informative and Correct! I often tease that I use sex as a weapon against my husband to get what I want, but I would NEVER do that. I may laughingly say, "behave or I won't give you any," but my husband knows I am just playing with him." Sex is an emotional bonding between the man and woman. Not just a physical "feel good" action! Most women are talkers! Most men are not, they give and receive more through touch!
I am going to have to read your other Writing, since I like this one so much!
thank you for a well written article. most women would do well in reading it. sounds like you've got a lucky husband and he may not even know it. you've just got another fan. great work!
Beautiful Hub
I agree. However, your husband's emotional need should not mean that whenever he wants to, you HAVE to.
Good hub! Wish I'd had something like this when I married my last husband, who is a masturbation freak. And getting intimate did not mean laying in bed or on the sofa just to cuddle. He had his share of porn video's along with an 'old' girlfriend who just loved his sick version of sex. Including the dog. If I didn't give in, he got pissed off. What was his was his, what was mine was his and I didn't find this out till after we were married. Oh, he made sure I had an orgasm but then he had to take care of himself. And the more that was involved the 'better' he was.
Thanks!:)
Great Hub! Here's one to keep the relationship alive: http://hubpages.com/hub/happymarriagewhileparentin
Very interesting. It's funny that sex is a very hot topic. My hub on sex has attracted more viewers than others that I thought would be more important. The strange part is that no one really wants to talk about it or go into real detail about it. I may have to break the ice.
Interesting article! Well balance with lots of insights.
I love this article and I agree 100 percent. I was just about to write one myself to say the exact same thing so it looks like you beat me to it.
This is good stuff... I think more women need to read this to understand how they can improve their marriages. I know a lot of spouses see sex in different ways but if they can get on one page, it would surely help in making a marriage last...
Great hub
The whole notion is well done and over baked...
Sex happens in response to a natural need and that need is not pleasure its emotional need as you say...
It an instinctive response given the chance... It has become such an over blown issue because society has relegated it to a past time to be available on command...
Hey folks its a reproductive mechanism of nature and its saying something... Nature does not want more of us...
I personally, love it but it has all that baggage that come with it, so it makes it less appealing till it happens...
Very thought provoking and emotional article...
People always make sex so serious and complicated. Um...RELAX. I hope I'm not gonna be like this when I get old...
I love sex ; I'm a middle aged women and I use sex as a tool to get cups of tea and bowls of cereal in the middle of the night from my beloved is that so wrong?
well thought out, and an interesting read!
So many comments I didn't read them all, but that is a tribute to your ability to write in a way people respond to.
Men's attitudes toward sex are sometimes stereotyped and that becomes a form of oppression. The idea that all men care about in their relationships is sex, etc. The emotional benefits of a sexual relationship are liberating and as important to men as women (and hopefully the opposite is equally true--it is as important to women as men!)
There is so much to say about the topic that it is difficult to find the words, but thank you for addressing the issue.
I don't really think that having sex with your husband every time he feels like it is good advice. You should have sex when it is a mutual agreement. Sometimes I want sex and sometimes my husband doesn't(like right after we just did) and I completely understand. Sometimes I will have problems like this and not want to have sex(exhausted, headache, et cetera, and my husband understands.) Constantly meeting the demands from one individual indefinitely is obviously one-sided and unfair, and when this does take place the sex is unpleasant for the "giver" and this creates a negative outcome. The "giver" might end up feeling worse about the other partner in the end. They may feel angry and used. The "receiver" may notice how unpleasant the sex was for the "giver" and will in turn become more insecure and whatnot. See? Unhealthy. Plus, wth. I don't want a bigger chance of getting pregnant than I already have. The world is too overpopulated. Anyway, I'm a woman and I love sex. This article is just ridiculous and biased.
my husband says that this isn't true. hmm. he needs emotional support through hugging and cuddling too, and sex is not an emotional outlet for him. this article seems a little sexist to me. maybe it should say "a few men" feel this way, instead of all men. :/
Great article...thanks for your insight.
I understand. But if a man has a paralysed wife and did not get the love with sex with sex worker and not able to marry again due to child. Is there any solution?????
rajguptaji@gmail.com
That all seems to make fine and dandy sense and all, but it didn't really help me at all. I thought I'd maybe understand a bit better why boyfriends are always trying to pressure me into having sex (or doing other sexual things) with them, but alas.
What are you supposed to do when your a teenager and every boyfriend you have thinks that sex is the most important thing in the world? Surely you're not supposed to go against your morals (I want to remain a virgin until marriage), right? I don't see how sex can "prove your feelings".
Interesting point, and one that I have neither considered nor researched. I remember being a (young) teen myself and having the problem of needing to refuse and knowing that I would lose my boyfriend if I did.
Perhaps the answer lies somewhere in finding a "kind" way to reject a boy's advances.
I read something not long ago about the fact that our brains aren't fully developed to accept the ramifications of love, marriage and sex until we are in our early twenties. I guess that helps to explain why my first marriage failed, but it's also food for thought when it comes to figuring out issues of love and sex when you're a teenager.
I will give the subject some thought and write a piece on it.
At last someone who thinks like I do..think I might post your link to my lady. I let you know if I get a rollocking :)
Superb selection of articles..well done.
"Men can live their entire lives without the physical pleasure of sex.".........though there will be many men who will quite possibly disagree.
Hey!
Great post, I totally agree that men want sex not just for the physical pleasure, but for emotional reasons.
I think all men ultimately want to feel like men, and that sex just means they can feel more like a man. And I think the ultimate feeling of being a man, is for the lady in his life to submit to him and be vulnerable.
I have recently posted a hub on why men love blowjobs where I go into more detail as to why men love sex and blowjobs as much as they do.
http://hubpages.com/hub/why-do-men-love-blow-jobs
If you want to read my hub, the link is above. However, if you choose to read it, keep in mind that I'm not saying if you're a woman, you must give sex or blowjobs to your man. That's not at all what I'm saying. I just want people out there to understand why men want it so much so that men and women out there can have better communication and better relationship.
I have written a tongue-in-cheek Hub about supposed Advice to Youth. There are 19 pieces of supposed advice written from a seriously exaggerated, insanely extreme, male point of view.
If you have the time, please read it and add your own advice, hopefully in a similar exaggerated train, in an attempt to exceed 100 supposed gems of wisdom.
Many thanks and best regards,
De Greek
This is great stuff, and so totally true. Many women just don't understand that men need "their" form of attention and bonding as well. Many people- women AND men, surprisingly, have given me that advice when my husband irritates me, won't listen, whatever- "just cut him off and he'll start to listen." However, before we were married we made a deal to never use sex, an intimate bonding experience between a couple, as a bargaining tool. It's worked really well. When I feel hurt or upset, I don't take sex away- I amp it up. It taps into his emotional side, and moves us past our angry points to where we're more tuned into each other and more likely to listen. I wish more people understood what you're trying to say! Thanks for spreading the word!
Miracles,
great hub. But I have to agree with the minority. Why do I have to have sex just because he wants to? For the emotional part..I'm not buying. men have sex while they watch tv, talk on the phone...etc. or even worse they roll over and fall asleep afterwards. they want quickies during halftime when the game is on...what is so emotional about that? Very few men even remember what romance is, it's hop on hop off, i got mine...oh well. Also why do we have to give sex in return for him doing the chores a man should do? It makes you feel like a prostitute, especially when he pressures you into it after you say no a thousand times and then give in because he won't give you any peace. The rone of this hub makes it sound like we as women owe it to our men to drop our panties whenever they feel like it. I'm sure the men love it since it gives them a seemingly valid reason to expect sex when they want it. I have to agree with psychology that for men sex is physical...they will get from you or get it somewhere else, that is why withholding it doesn't work. If they want more sex maybe some roses, wine, romance, a love note....anything except "hey can I get some". real emotional.
Warmest regards,
Chris
great hub
Thanks for doing the dirty work. Women are wise to come to understand just how important sex is to a man - very!
"For the emotional part..I'm not buying. men have sex while they watch tv, talk on the phone...etc. or even worse they roll over and fall asleep afterwards. they want quickies during halftime when the game is on...what is so emotional about that? Very few men even remember what romance is, it's hop on hop off, i got mine...oh well. Also why do we have to give sex in return for him doing the chores a man should do? It makes you feel like a prostitute, especially when he pressures you into it after you say no a thousand times and then give in because he won't give you any peace. The rone of this hub makes it sound like we as women owe it to our men to drop our panties whenever they feel like it. I'm sure the men love it since it gives them a seemingly valid reason to expect sex when they want it. I have to agree with psychology that for men sex is physical...they will get from you or get it somewhere else,"
Ridiculous. You assume all men are like this. Well, you know what they say about people who assume! Much to the contrary, there are a lot of good, helpful, loving husbands out there that do not act like this at all. And sex IS emotional for them. Sorry that YOU didn't marry one!
Great article! It is true! Guys NEED sex! They think about it all the time, where as, some women may think about it occasionally. You may enjoy my next article. It is going to be for the ladies regarding their men.
women are men's sex slaves; men are women's life slaves
well theirs times i withhold sex to get well.im a woman that has medical issues.it ruined my marraige.everytime i turn arond im in the docters office.i need to give up on realtionships.every man need to understand when a woman is ill with something it puts a damper in sex too.
Good article. Too many women just don't get it that sex is not mindless to most men, and is just a form of expression for them. If men only wanted sex with no emotional connection, they could easily get it without a wife.
I was thinking the same thing while reading it, if it had been written from a man's heart but guess she knows the heart of men that is why i voted it up and beautiful.
Who don't need sex? :) Everyone needs sex I can bet.
great hub and so true!!! I get being a female and a MFT!! I am for the guys us girls are way to complicated. Growing up most of my friends were men, they just seem to go with the flow!!
Thank you for this hub.
Every, Not to be taken the wrong way, I have been with many women. Hardly any had my sex drive (now I'm old and handicapped), but a few could drive a man crazy.
What would sat to this? I lived with a girl for two years, and two months of ten times a day made me tell her; we're going to a movie tonight.
This same girl did this every night. After dinner she dropped to her kness, and said; "time for desert!"
Men don't always have the biggest appetite.
No Harvey, they don't. I do get e-mails occasionally from women who have the higher drive than their husbands, and I know from personal experience that it is *very difficult* to deal with, in a marriage or any relationship.
Women are wired differently, however. For me, sex is emotional because it's a form of affection. I don't get personal validation through sex the way that so many men do.
And no, this hub was NOT written by a man -- it was written by a woman who has made understanding men a priority to her, as IMO all women should.
Great article , Its sad when females try use it to bargain with.
As I really enjoy it I would be depriving myself as well as my husband,which would be crazy.
I am 45 and cant imagine stopping wanting it .Its all about wanting to make the other person feel good!
Sex is like good food -- your always going to want the next meal ! And variety, I love a lamb roast but not every day or in the same place !!
I know men or better said there are things about men that I embrace to be true. Why? the relationship between men and women is very important. Thanks for this hub, it needs to be said. Bottom line: can't have it goin on, young or old unless you're givin it to him good baby. And by the way, you wanna get it good? - give it good. That's right love him till he can't take it any more. He will appreciate it.
I am more happy that I read this Hub than I have words to say.
Lisa Hess? You have just put "Lisa" back into my Top Ten Favorite Female Names list. I owe you a dinner. Get to Reno and the night is on me. Actually, there are so many excellent female commentators on this Hub, I might not have enough time to buy all the dinners you ladies have earned.
Everyday Miracles? I opened this post expecting to find a painful women's lib diatribe on the evils of Masculinity, and how my sex-drive was somehow connected to misogyny and violence against women. Owing in large part to the liberal Hubster I was reading when I saw the link to your Hub.
God Bless you for proving me so very wrong. You are a gem and a treasure, and I am officially jealous of whatever lucky bastard calls you His own.
Keep on Hubbin'
i just want to give you ladies something to think about, think eveytime that you withhold what you know is important to your husband and you know that it means alot to him just remember that you just became 2nd place in his heart and mind AND GUYS DON'T MIND TAKING THAT ONE TO THE GRAVE WITH THEM( I PROMISE YOU,I FOUND OUT THROUGH A WILL ABOUT 4 OTHER CHILDREN AND A 2ND WIFE SHE STAYED IN UTAH) meaning that he won't come to you as he normally did he'll rather stay at work then come home and listen to the same song,because atleast at work he's getting paid for it and with you it's the same old music and a another thing to think about is maybe next time he's in the mood because some blazin hot sexy and younger than you but grown azz girl came on to him with her i.d. to prove that she is of age and he turn her down to come home to his so called i will always be there for you wife, maybe than you will realize what you held back from him wasn't worth it or your family try explaning that to the kids when they ask you where's daddy,tell them when there mature enough to understand why daddy left home and would rather pay child support and alimony or take the kids with him than to be with a wife that can't be there for him with what this topic is about. do you feel me now,''SCARY ISN'T IT''
ithink that sex is important for men and women, when we make sex we will happy because we need to make our partener happy, i think that anyone of ours need in his life to be lover ,interst and popular sex make only one of men of course and women comfort, it's very important when we make physical and emotional .
Well put article. I TOTALLY GET IT...Never deny a man that you love sex, you must give in even when you really dont want it..They need it.. Trust me, the men that get it all the time are happy men that make their women happy in return!!
Right on it is something to be mutually enjoyed for the physical as well as emotional pleasures and experiences for both partners.
Well I think this was very interesting and true, and I understand your point, but sometimes it isn't always a weapon, I sometimes withhold sex, not as a weapon but because of something emotional, my husband and I would have an argument or he may something that has deeply offended me or hurt my feelings, then later want sex, which I am not up to it. I feel as after what you did or said to me you think I want you on top of me..not because of punishment, but because I am still hurting inside, and he does not understand the level of emotional damage he has caused.
I'm 23 years old and need advice.
Every time my girlfriend rejects my sexual advances I become and emotional wreck (bottled like a typical guy) and it makes me hate her and myself.
I have tried talking to her about it, but it upsets her. She said recently that she feels like even if she doesn't want to have sex she feels like she has to. At the moment we're having it once a week or less.
I do everything and anything she asks. I love her and make every effort to make her happy in other aspects of the relationship.
I dumped my last girlfriend after 4 months of living together because she wanted sex a lot less than every day.
Sex is the most important thing to me in a relationship closely followed by looks, love, communication, respect, friendship, humour etc. I think a lot of guys feel the same way, but are afraid of being cast as villains if they admit it.
My current girlfriend (21 years old) is exceptionally attrative, which appeals to me so much that I'd consider a lifetime of unhappyness just to be with her. I want her to want to have sex with me more often, without putting her under pressure.
When I see so many posts of couples who have problems because of different sex drives it makes me think I should leave her and find someone with similar sexual needs.
Loved the article!! I think SEX is the greatest gift God gave us!!!
Why it is not important to women?
Your thoughts and understanding on this subject are much appreciated. I've been studying one man for 78years and I still don't understand what drives me. How any the world can I be expected to fully understand a woman I've only known fo 59 years. Especially since she is not a woman who wants to discuss how she feels about things. Isn't that a switch? I'm more ready to talk about our feelings than she is. Well, any way, thanks for sharing your thoughts and understanding with us.
Thanks for the MUCH needed advice. (and oh to have a wife with a higher sex drive...tell your husband he couldn't be luckier even if he won a billion dollars!)....I just wrote a similar hub on advice for newlywed wives (as I see this issue breaking so many marriages) but am exceedingly grateful to find the same advice written by a woman (to back me up). Such incredibly important advice that is so often neglected. Thank You!
SEX......what a wonderful topic...lol I loved the article and I have to say you said it well. I just wanted to add that there is sex for a husband and then there is SEX for a husband and wife..what most men desire from their wives is that she still wants him and desires him. That she see him as her man and appericates him. The one thing is that a man still needs to date his wife and a wife still needs to play hard to get once in awhile. She should not use excuses but give him points in the marriage where she still tease a littles gets him thinking abouther wanting her. He on the other hand needs to do the same for her. A woman needs her man to stimulate her mind and tease her outside of the bedroom. To many married couples forget to have a date night or a fun evening together. Making love to your spouse should be enjoyable and adding a little spice to it will also keep each person interested.
ya know-sex is important but my man just loves sexx and like- im always in the bed doing the stuff. That man can never stop and now i HATE sexxx
You have hit it on the nail on the head! We men feel very rejected when our wives don't want to have sex with us. I have known two different types of men that have cheated over sex. The first, well the wife was not the problem and I will leave it there. The other type felt very rejected from his wife, and another woman was able to step in and make him feel wanted, and appretiated! I will never say that it is an excuse to cheat but, it is usually a reason!
I totally agree that the desire for sex is an emotional need. However, fact is, I am a woman, who feels sexually neglected by her man. He is sweet and likes to cuddle a lot, but sex? Not so often. Though, when we have it, it's real good (for him too, I would say). We were separated for some time (job in another city and I felt the sparks were gone). He did everything in his power then to win me back. We reconciled, there is a lot of love between us, and romance came back and kissing and all but sex? Still not so much. He's just often stressed from work he says. Physically he's definitely fully functional. What's the matter with us? Heck, I guess I am the only woman in the world, who tries to talk her hubby into doing him oral (like we did a couple of times in the very first days of our relationship) or into trying something new - whatever he suggests - and gets turned down by him. (Sorry to be that explicit.) On the other hand, I don't think one should have sex just to do the other one a favour, so I wouldn't want him to have sex with me if he doesn't really want it right then.
Hell, am I having a typical guy's poblem? Last time I checked I was still a woman.
Very Good Hub
Very Good Hub
Great hub, thanks for helping girls understand more about us!
Male or female, all people are different and have different drives. My partner and I have very similar sex drives; it's a real blessing!
My husband does not think sex is important. We haven't had sex im maybe 28 years or so.And before that maybe a dozen times. He has made me depressed,angry,unwanted, and feel like yesterdays trash. He developed E/D years ago and then high blood pressure, sleep problems, cholesterol problems and he takes meds fo all this. Then I mentioned kids and he went out and had himself fixed. I thought he was a brutal uncaring person. He then told me to forget about sex,intimacy or love he wanted nothing to do with me. I should have left but didn't I was young a very dumb, and now were in or 60s. We have no family or friends! We never went anywhere where I could meet people and start a friend ship. Now its to late for me were on a fixed income, and we need to be thrifty. I hate this life I'am in.
When I read this it really hit home for me. I don't know if its normal for the woman in the relationship to need sex in this way. My husband is the one who can be satisfied with cuddling and just being with me whereas I need to make love to feel as close and intimate with him as I want to be.
sex is good for health. If boy has headache, then he need to smell girls naked ass until one hour. Headache will go immediately also trout pain will go... I too have experienced this. Hence, I am gathering the information to you............. :-)
Get a life and respect for yourself who care if a man wants sex if I don't want to I will not have sex. I pray no woman really believes this article. I feel this crap puts women back many years.
Hi Emi
I found that you and I both have the same issue.. My sex-life with my boyfriend is really great, but when it happens.. And it doesnt happen very much.. He is happy with once a week, and I ask for more and I am then turned down very gently by him, but it feels like huge rejection to me.. I know he is attracted to me, I know he loves the sex, I do too, but would definitely have liked more of it :-)
Men always complain that they dont get enough, cause their wives/girlfriends dont give it too often.. Its not everyday you hear another lady say she wants and need more sex.. It was a good read..
That further reading was an excellent tip - I found some great advice there.
Very nice and informative article which is well written and presented.I love this article and this should serve as a good advice for all women who really want their husband to happy always.
This is definitely a great hub for all the married women out there. You share this information with such brilliance.
Voted up!
What you have shared with us is very true indeed. Both men and women should read this hub. I guess that's how men is made to be. Men ought to be the ones making the first move. However, I believe sex is important to many women as well!
very interesting! great post i could say xx
Add good communication and you've good a real relationship.
I dunno it's hard for me to relate to this since I think I like sex even more than most men do.
This information helps me as a woman. I deeper understand the human nature of men especially for my man of my life. I love him so much!
Hey it’s so nice I really want to appreciate to this site. It’s so much interesting matter I like your work. Please carry on with your work and post me such a wonderful article
Speaking for myself, and I don't care who disagrees,I hate fining picture of supermodels in my husband drawers when he brags he is above looking at porn.Then in the middle of the night I catch looking watching Man Answers on spike TV, one of the most sexist shows of the television. I think this is hypocritical. He doesn't have any respect for my feelings. I'm supposed to believe he finds me attractive when he stays up all night looking at this garbage on television, it rots the brain and makes lose respect for him. It definitely doesn't turn me on or make want to have sex with, and when he flirts with women in my presence it infuriates me and is pathetic as well. He has a lot of nerve treating me this way, now wonder his ex- wife gained so much weight and refused to have relations with him and eventually that marriage failed.
By no means am I ugly, overweight, dumpy, old, or refusing to have sex with him, but if he continues his mental abuse and taking me for granted, he will find himself sleeping on the couch like last time like when he was with Stay Puffed.
Awesome article! I have gradually become fan of your article and would like to suggest putting some new updates to make it more effective.
My hub and I hadn't had sex in approx 30 years. Husband thinks it is a waste of time, so much effort for so little. He has had little or no interest in sex his whole life. They say men are wired for sex, I really don't think so. My husbands wires are really messed up. He's not into porn or gay, he just wants to be left alone. He moved all his stuff down stairs to be away from me, I occupy the upper part of the house, I don't think we have interacted for about 2 months. I've been depressed for years, lonely, and very unloved. The only reason I hang in here is because he has great medical benefits and a super pension.
Very Interesting hub, and actually makes a lot of sense!
Amy very sad to read your comment :-( you need to get some happiness and love into your life you deserve it.
This is so wrong! This makes it seem like a mans world! If women do more work, they should say when they have sex! The m
Great Hub! Sex is important to woman as well. From my experience and withholding sex from my husband has nothing to do with me being angry with him or using it as a "weapon". It all has to do with my personal sex drive. It fluctuates and for the last 11 years it's been on the low side. That's until I found an all natural product called Zestra. It's a natural supplement that increases testosterone in women that is very safe with no side effects. My husband and I have always had a wonderful marriage. It's even better now with this new supplement! They also have a formula for men who have a low libido as well. I agree that sex is very important in a marriage. Since I started this supplement, I've noticed my husband has been much happier.
My wife and I had a great sex life, then we got married. Since the birth of our child, she has lost interest in sex. That isn't to say that she doesn't "give it up" she does, but the sex is unfullfilling because she's just not into it. I feel like I'm inconveniencing her -deep sighs and groans of effort moving about until I just want to say forget it. This wasn't the case always; we had great sex, used toys, mutual everything, even watched porn. Now she refuses to have sex in the light, everything has a time limit. I'm keeping her up too late, etc. I don't understand why nature plays this cruel joke on men that after we give them the children they wanted so very badly they lose interest in us completely. It hurts and I've told her how I feel. She just cries and says how sorry she is and if she weren't so tired and had time to work out and poor me and wah wah wah wah, and in the meantime nothing changes and I just feel like crap for wanting my needs met. She thinks she's meeting my needs by just laying there but she's wrong. I don't want another divorce, another estranged child, but this is twice now that libido has gone AWOL after the marriage and children and I HATE IT. I work out five days a week. Everyone tells me how sexy and hot and good looking I am but to her I might as well be Baby Huey. This sucks.
Oh how I WISH I had read this post a year and a half ago! :( I had a hysterectomy due to cancer a few years ago, but everything between my hubby and I still seemed pretty good. Until a year and a half ago when he lost his brother to suicide. He needed me emotionally and I gave him everything I could think of...except more sex. I just wasn't into it much anymore. He says that after I denied him the last time (I didn't deny him often, but he knew I didn't want it much) he "chose" to make sex less of a priority in his life...made himself simply not need it. Well, early this year a co-worker 20 years his junior started flirting with him and they ended up having a 2month emotional affair this summer until I found out about it...and yes, it was only emotional but VERY damaging and hurtful to me and our marriage. He stopped all connection with her (including quitting his job) to save our marriage. So I know he loves me. No question. And we flirt more now, hold hands more, tease, and even have sex more. But it's mainly because I want/need it. He enjoys the sex, but says he would be fine if we only "played". He says he doesn't know how to "flip that switch" back to the on position. HELP! I hate that I didn't find this forum before!!!!!!
1. So his emotional need to have sex is more important than any of her emotional reasons for not having sex?
Odd how women using emotional reasons to not have sex = withholding.
Yet men using emotional reasons to force women to have sex solely for his pleasure isn't called what it is...RAPE.
2. If it's for emotional reasons why do most men consider it a duty or obligation that should be done whether she's in the mood or wants it?
Seems like the only emotions that matter to men are their own with that whole duty/obligation thing. Especially since most men are offended when women start treating sex like a duty aka dead fish, lying there, and telling him to hurry up despite them calling it a duty
3. If it's for emotional reasons why do most men compare having sex with your partner like going to a job?
Going to a job is a financial need for a relationship. Sex is a partner thing.
Wouldn't a better comparison be having sex with your partner is like communicating with your partner.
Women not having sex with their partner could be like men not having talks with.
Now how many men are open to the idea of having talking to your partner being considered a duty/obligation that most be done no matter what he feels/thinks. Also he must act like he enjoys it and wants to talk to her and can't treat it like a duty/obligation.
Yeah...not many men would be open to that comparison. Guess that's why so many focus on job = sex.
Seems like the job comparison is just another way men connect sex to money. If he's working she should put out for him whether she wants it or not.
4. Ever thought what she hears when he says I don't care what you feel or are thinking blow me or let me shove my d*ck inside you until I cum...all of course for my "emotional" needs?
Nice Hub. Thanks a lot. women shoul read this article.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!! My S.O. has been very uninterested in sex for the past three months and it has been a point of tension between us for some time now. At first, I tried to be understanding because she just started a new job and was very stressed. She's also finishing a degree...two very high stress events in her life.
I backed off for a month, then a month and a half, then I started to wonder what else was wrong...
I've tried explaining to her that what I'm longing for isn't for her to "get me off" but, rather, to be connected with her and know that she loves me and finds me attractive; to be intimate with her...not just have sex with her. There is a difference between intimacy and sexuality. Intimacy often includes sexuality but they are not one in the same and this article explains exactly what that distinction is for a man.
I'm going to read this article with her and pray that she understands that I want us to be happy and have a healthy relationship. I just hope she realizes that I really do feel this way and am not just looking for a lay or trying to make her feel bad or guilty. That is the LAST thing I would ever want :(
In view of all these comments i say sex is life for M&me
In view of all these comments i say sex is life for M&me M is my life pray for me&M that we married hurry hurry
MY S.O.are intimate on average once every 2 months as of the last 2 years and as many others I try to be understanding and be as helpful in every way i can thinking she would show her gratitude and she did by saying thank you. then i tried to explain to her in almost word for word as jeff (see comment above me)did. and she said she understood but nothing changed then i found this hub and told her i had some thing i want her to see and was going to show it to her but decided not press. she asked me what it was i lied told her it was some thing stupid and i shit you not. she looked at me and said o good i thought it was going to be some thing smart ass about how we dont have sex!!!!!!!!?
My libido fluctuates, so some days I feel sexually active, some days I don't. That doesn't mean that I'm witholding sex or using it for leverage against my fiance. As a matter of fact, when I abstain for a couple of days, sex seems more intense and incredible, not that it isn't already.
Here's my problem: even though I let my man know everyday how much I love and care about him and I appreciate everything that he does for me, the only validation that seems to satisfy him is sex, whether it be sexual advances, sexual inuendos, or the act itself. When he's around me, that's all that seems to be on his mind every single day.
If I thwart his advances or politely let him know that I don't want sex then all hell breaks loose. I'm accused of not being attracted to him, why don't I just tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore, and the all time favorite, I'm cheating on him. It's become so emotionally draining that I have called off the wedding.
It seems that all I am to him is a sex object. If I wanted to be a man's sex object, I wouldn't be in a relationship. And NO, I don't feel like sex is a chore and I definitely ENJOY pleasuring him, just not under emotional turmoil.
Sorry you all had to read this article and be once again indoctrinated with the belief that men need sex for their emotional wellbeing and therefore, women must satisfy this need for them. Women are mere pawns in a mans world to get his own desires, selfless as it may seem, met. I think that when it comes to meeting desires they are all selfish. One can't force another to have or want the same desires at any given time. When a man has this emotional need come over him, I don't believe he is thinking about the woman in his life and what her emotional need is at that same time, because if he did then there wouldn't be any sex related problems. They would both come together like they do when there is a tragedy, such as a death is the family or an accident, and they would hold each other up in support. Sex should be more like this...not an obligation to fill or demand to have met, but two people supporting and wanting to be together to share and comfort and bond with each other. This is being emotional and I believe that it comes from both sides and from the heart. All to often, sex is not emotional for either partner and doesn't come from the heart. It is just a man getting what he wants and the woman being submissive for her own reasons. The only time a woman truely wants sex is when she feels loved and not used. The minute she feels used then she disconnects emotionally. If she has no emotion during sex then how can the man have emotions. That would be like a woman crying because her heel broke and she is still home and can change shoes and the man totally crying along with her as if he emotionally understood why those shoes can't just be changed. When one person is not into having sex it doesn't matter why, the other person should be able to accept and just try to understand and not take it personally. But when a man takes it personally as breaking him down then that it a sure sign that he is only thinking of himself. How emotional is that...pitiful. Women don't want to have sex because they aren't really into their man and that is the bottom line. If she were into him and felt connected with him like in the beginning of the relationship then she would want to have sex with him, but this fades and people become unhappy especial when the man had the idea that his wife should be his sex slave and the woman thought the man would be her security, then he lies, cheats, flirts with other women, etc. and the wife is suppose to forget all these things and rekindle the feelings she once had....not happening, not even for those who claim it did. We have a memory for a reason. Men don't cheat because their emotional need is not being met...just go to askmen.com and you will find out. Men cheat because they can, want to, and are not emotionally driven by sex. It is a selfish desire to seek self gratification. When women cheat, she is trying to escape the relationship she is in or trying to get something which is selfish on her part. All desires are selfish. I don't desire some chocolate because I have an emotional need for it. I just really like the taste and I want it selfishly. I desire sex because I really like to have the pleasure and it is a selfish desire. Anyone who disagrees is lying. There are motives behind everything we do and most of them are selfish desires we want. We will say and do anything to get them if they control us. If we control them, then we can be honest and forthcoming with our partners/spouses and therefore, have more satisfying sexual relationships even if that means ending the one you are in and moving on to one that is right for you. To sum this up, men don't need sex they just desire it selfishly and therefore are driven to get it at any cost. Just like women want the house and kids and SUV so much that they are willing to be a subject of that sex driven man to get it and then complain or be dissatisfied with him. True love doesn't mean pleasing the other person it means loving them and caring for them and being kind to them in all circumstances unselfishly. We love our children, but we don't always please them and they still love us back and they don't always please us, but we still love them back...get it...no holding out on love with them. To bad relationships with adults can't be more like this...enough said.
I like dat is good but i think women likes sex more dan men.
Interesting article, but I can tell you from my own experience that I also need sex sometimes in order to feel loved and connected, and as a girl, I definitely DO have this need, a lot... i see no reason in telling that women in general want sex less.
But sometimes women just can't get into the mood to have sex, you know? When nothing gets us 'comfortable' enough without it feeling forced.
If a woman feels sick or has a severe headache, I don't think she should force herself to have sex just because it's an emotional 'need'. Equal ground. If a woman says no for emotional or physical reasons, then it's no. A woman is harder to arouse for sex, and sometimes it can be impossible.
A bit late to the comment party, but while I agree with the general sentiment, I disagree with the assertion that sex (or, rather, the witholding of it) is not a weapon.
Instead, the analogy is more accurate than the people who endorse such use realise. A weapon can be used to enforce compliance, but in doing so you're hurting the subject. Keep inflicting that pain, and sooner or later the subject is either going to try to escape from the source or turn to their own armoury to fight back.
That's not to say that there aren't times where it's perfectly appropriate for a woman (or man, for that matter, hard as it might be to believe) to say no... however, if you're not doing it for reasons of relationship politics, it shouldn't be a chore to make up for it later. And if you are... just remember that you can't use a weapon on someone without consequences.
And, really, that comment can apply to ANYTHING being used as a weapon, by either partner in a relationship. There's an old saying about how an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind - once the default method of interaction of both sides is the use of weapons, that's just going to lead to a vicious spiral.
The real takehome message from this for men AND women is probably less about sex itself but about conflict resolution. If you hurt the person you love in order to get what you want, you may get it in the short term, but in the long run they're eventually going to either reciprocate or leave. If you give them what they want, though, they may start giving you what you want in return. The prevailing current these days seems to be that it should always be the man that extends the olive branch, but that's no more rational than the reverse - if a relationship fails because neither side tried to meet the other halfway, the fault is shared, not entirely that of the man.
I think another problem is the fact that men have to "ask" for sex moat of the time. Why can't women be spontaneous and initiate it without us even asking. The best free things in life are the ones you didn't have to ask for.
Good hub :) Isn't true for every man as rolledeyes pointed out but for a man who loves, or at least lovED a woman the sex serves many purposes besides being physical. Sex can either make or break a relationship with a man. Thats the truth of the matter. And sex is extremely important--even the Bible says that.
From...a woman :D
I can not say that this is true of all relationships .. But in my case, looking back on 30 years of my monogamous relationship with my life. My biggest disappointment and regret was the lack of sexual interest by my wife. After 20 years, I understood that the least interested party controls the sexual relationship. This realization was devastating to my interest in the relationship. It's now a 'married with child' relationship. While not PC in these days of equal rights enlightenment, the original article hit the core of the problem. The problem was intractable even with professional consoling. She never understood at all - not in the least - or cared not to.
I continue to very highly recommend *For Women Only*. If you're a guy whose wife is neglecting this area of your relationship, you might think about buying it for her. The book is presented in a way that is NOT offensive at all. It's even written by a woman.
correct wordings to the points ....like it
Thank you for your input, jays :)
I love my fiance to death we are getting married here soon,my sex life with her is not getting better. Am I in for a stressful marriage? Doc you hit right on the nose about rejection and feeling appreciated as a man. Women look at me and try to throw themselves at me all the time. I hit the gym ,I am athletic ,young , and attractive. But I only get sex twice a month that shit is crazy...what should I do ? Doc!
Great hub!, as a man its not easy to express what sex in a partnership really feels like for us, but you really did a good job at it. Al thought I think that woman should also realize that they also enjoy sex and that "it" is beneficial for woman as it is for man, if you cant let go with your partner and be free than with whom?. As men everything we do is about woman, we make money for our woman "wife" and our kids, we try to stay fit or at least look younger for our partner etc. So you are right when we are denied sex we feel that everything we do has no worth and its not important.
I've been married for 8 years and my wife holds out. I've tried to have her read magazines geared toward women, but whenever sex is mentioned she won't read it. I sent her a link to a site made by Christian women about sex and she passed it along to her friends, but didn't read it herself. I constantly read books, and articles on how to improve as a husband and follow the advice as well. I admit that since going back to school I've not had the time I once had to help out with the house and taking care of our kid (now kids with a one-month old the other a 3-year old). However, whenever I get time I do the housework and take our son off her hands to free her up. Before reading most of these articles and books I did most of the "good" hubby things to begin with. I think she is just used to me doing all this stuff and takes it for granted. I've started reading some new books devoted to sex and marriage, but none of them discuss pregnancy (I gave her space) and post pregnancy (I realize she needs time to heal). I feel like a scumbag that I want something she doesn't want to do. When we first got married my life was full of sex, then it dried up. Once in a while I get it, but none of the "extras" I used to get as a newly wed
How do I get her to read your article without resisting. What do I need to do to put the spark back aside from housework and things I already do? Please help.
I dont know if the men who have written in actually are as terrific as they write or if they just exaggerate so much that they cant see their own faults. But, I have yet to meet a man who does so much for his spouse and she holds out. No.1, 30% of women dont enjoy sex, and no.2, only 10% of women are nymphos. So the other 60% want to feel happy and satisfied with their man. If your relationship is all about sex to make you content.....she knows it and therefore is not happy with you. Lets face it true friendship is more important than sex and when you figure out how to have that with her like you do with your buddies....she will want to be intimate with you.
Well sex or no sex life goes on and I think life is great... being loved would make it greater but I don't think mosat women are capable of love and I already promised my life to one of them. It is hard to wrap ones mind around the belief one is loved when physical strings are attached to the expression of love. To The majority of women Love is a idea or ideal of romance...more women are in love with love then in love with actual man they promised their life to in marriage.
I so struggle with this area of my marriage. I love my husband! We have been married going on 33 years and I always need a reminder that I don't appreciate my husband like I should. Great article.
this is so wrong on so many levels. rolledeyes is the only one who really gets it.
As the hub author, who hasn't commented in a very long while, I have to ask if the women who are commenting here think that their attitude toward men and sex is attractive, to men, to other women, to anyone? How much of this hub is actually being *read* by the women who are complaining?
It boggles my mind that so many women really believe that their men are purely physical creatures with no emotions of their own, and no capacity for love. The selfishness that I've seen in the comments on this hub never cease to amaze me as I approve them over and over and over again in spite of the aggressive and mean-spirited nature of the comments coming in my direction.
I am a woman myself. Long ago I accepted that sex for men was more than physical. Many of you seem to be absolutely miserable. I'm sorry that you are so sad in your lives that you find some purpose in seeking out pages like mine so that you can spread the feminist agenda here. It has no place.
If you want to be treasured, women, TREASURE YOUR MEN! End of story. Do you HONESTLY believe that he is less than you?
What selfishness!
From this comment onward I am NOT accepting aggressively disparaging comments.
I have to say sex, love, intimacy has never been at all important to my husband. Married 45 years and only had sex once, and that lasted maybe 10 minutes. He told me he didn't like sex and that would be the first, last and only time for him. He thought it was disgusting, no excitement or meaning, just something married people do. We never cuddle,kiss, hold hands, were more like brother sister than married people. He always worked midnights and hasn't spent one night sleeping with me. He spends all his time in his basement apartment, eating,sleeping and working in his shop. We haven't talked to each other in years, other than primative grunts, groans, moans I get when trying to say something to him. Now hes retired and looks like a slob long straggly hair with a beard to match and holey old clothes. The only good thing about our marriage is I want for nothing, has a great pension with super benefits. I can't explain how I've felt all these years. The depression has been the worst, feeling worthless, hopless, unwanted, uncared for, unloved has been terrible. In my 60s now and its way to late and I've accepted thats the way it will be till the end of my days.
That's really difficult, Amy. I've heard from a lot of women over the years that this hub has been up about how their marriages lack any kind of passion or compassion from their husbands and how they don't feel that their husbands love them. You aren't alone, or even necessarily all that unusual.
I think that this hub unfairly gives the impression that I (or others like me) believe that women are solely responsible for their marriages, and that's not the case. Men have a huge responsibility to the women that they marry and many men take that responsibility for granted, believing that they can stop the courtship when they get married.
Neither gender is perfect, and that isn't the point of this hub. The purpose here is to give women a reason to think about the way that they use sex as a weapon. Men, too, should be careful about the way that they engage sexually with their wives.
You better preach!!! Lol. Somebody understands us men. You are awesome. My wife need to hang around somebody like you. Much love and respect
Spot on article. I wish my wife would understand how important it is. The idea of stringing me along with another 'not tonight, I'm not in the mood, get off me' just gets me down.
I have strong desires and wish we could be connected emtionally and spiritually but she isn't responding or making the effort. She told me she feels turned off sex.
That's a huge blow because we are living like roommates not lovers. It is so bad that I have been considering sleeping on the couch just to be away from her and if it continues, I may end up cancelling her residency visa and letting her get sent back home.
I'm not happy to live a life of no sex or connection. Being next to a woman every day/night and not being able to do anything with them (especially when they are supposed to be your wife) is nothing short of torture and complete ignorance of my needs.
My wife & I have been married for a long time (36 years). When we were first married, like everyone we made love a LOT! But when our daughter was born 34 years ago, I actually believe my wife's sex drive & libido came out with the after birth. She did not have a terribly difficult pregnancy, but I thought perhaps she was fearful of getting pregnant again, so I got a vascectomy when our daughter was 2 years old. It had no effect on our love life. My love life is COMPLETELY HORRIBLE!!! We make love no more than 15 times per year, YES I did say a year! This is not only unacceptable, but TOTALLY unhealthy!!! I am at wits end, I REALLY don't know why I stay married this long! Please help! Thanks, Bob
This article is perfect. I wish I could show it to my girlfriend, but it would just start another angry debate. Sex is the only thing we ever argue about. We've been together for over two years, and she still doesn't realize how important it is to the relationship. She wonders why I get cold, angry, and impatient with her, which always leads to an argument. Sex once or twice a month -- at the most -- is simply not cutting it! Any suggestions?
For those of you who are asking how to approach your wives or girlfriends about this issue, I'm afraid that I don't have the answer to that. If you read through the angry and bitter comments just on this hub alone, you'll see that many women simply think that a man's emotional needs aren't tied in to sex. I find it shocking to think that the majority of women think that men are so different than we are in that they do have emotional needs that must be taken care of.
For those men who are struggling with women who refuse to accept that sex has a place in a man's emotional health, these men might want to consider marriage counseling or separation, as much as I hate to say that.
I have been married for 20 years and have 3 wonderful children with my wife. About 5-6 years ago, my wife just said she was no longer interested in sex and didn't want to do it. For about the first 12 years of our marriage, she was affectionate and hugged and kissed me almost as much as I did her. Then that began to diminish and it seemed like I was always the one initiating anything. So, for the last 5 or 6 years, I have not been intimate with my wife and she seems to be angry all of the time. She does not want to talk about it. I have always helped out a lot around the house and with the kids and made a big effort to help more. I also have tried to agree with her views most of the time and do the things she wants to do. Recently, I needed to address our relationship and she said I have turned to mush and I have no opinions and no ideas cause I always do everything she wants to do. I have been trying like crazy to make her happy but that obviously hasn't happened. i have talked to her about counseling or her going to see a doctor but she refuses. She shows no affection whatsoever toward me even though I still try to show some toward her. She says I am no fun anymore even though we do a lot of fun stuff together as a family. I don't know if its thefact that ever since we had the kids, she puts all of her time and energy into them I am at a loss she says I am not the person she married and I have lost myself. Being without affection and sex for years has made me feel inadequate and I have been blaming myself feeling I have been doing something wrong. Any suggestions?
Soul 83 and Bob - I can concur. Married close to 20 years. Sex is nowhere near where it used to be. Why do married women have no idea about the emotional needs of a man? What is so difficult for a woman to have sex? I encourage any man getting married to get his future wife to sign a contract promising him that they would have a good sex life.
Just ran across your hub and I am floored by all of the comments from many of the men and women going back say 3 years. I have been surfing to find a discussion along these lines because the major consensus primarily revolves around, the fact the men don't understand what moves a women towards sharing herself with her man/husband and he needs to be considerably conscious of her emotional and physical buttons he most first find then push in the proper order.
I was married for 30 years with three children and gave my family a great middle class life. My wife played the sex game for many years and towards the end of the marriage I was almost begging for sex and began to look at myself and think self-esteem shot. Loved making sure sex satisfaction for wife was priority because that turned me on.
Divorced and within 2 years married again and discussed the history and view on this subject with my 2nd wife. Seems like things are fast moving in same direction which she contest they are not but at least now I bring up the subject.
I am tired, seems to be the resounding words so my approach is I love her but I will stop initiating sex and not bother when she initiates. Just let it go well now she says I need affection
"While we are standing" funny funny
i felt so sad after reading this but i dunno how to recover sex life with husband. i felt so embarras to share here, is there anybody willing to counsel me personally thru facebook? pls help.
joula_vegh 3 years ago
Ever Day Miracles,
Thats very intresting & close to real life hub , realy enjoyed dat .
Good wrk please recieve appeciation from me.
Andy